Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Monday, October 13, 2008 6:46:00 AM
Secret Transcript Illegally Obtained From 4/16/2008.... Shhhhhh. Keep it on the downlow.
General David Petraeus not only admits the war is lost, but he begged for congress to approve their departure from Detroit. Below is the transcript of that day's meeting over the Detroit War.
Hillary Clinton: "Hello General Petraeus. Thanks for coming in today to meet with us. According to your intelligence transcript which we've been reading today, you believe the war in Detroit should no longer continue. Am I correct on this?"
General Petraeus: "Yes Mrs. Clinton. I believe our troops can be serving our country's interests better elsewhere."
John McCain: "General. I'm surprised at you being so squeemish over this. Detroit is in our country. Do you really feel we should abandon a city in our own country?"
General Petraeus: "Yes sir. Pre-war strategy by the Bush Administration was incredibly flawed. The Bush Administration promised me and also the American people that once we got into Detroit that we would be welcomed in with open arms. This didn't happen. Even with the predicted skirmishes, we were told and therefore expecting that the Motown factions would fight alongside of us. They fought against us, led by Quincy Jones."
Barack Obama: "First of all, I just wanted to say that I was in the middle of a forest no one was at and screamed at the top of my lungs that I was against this war from the beginning. My two opponents voted for this war."
General Petraeus: "What's your point, senator?"
Barack Obama: "Sorry, this isn't a place to make campaign talking points? My bad."
John McCain: "Would you say that the surge I have been asking for has helped, General? Rumsfeld wouldn't listen to me."
General Petraeus: "Rumsfeld was indeed an idiot. We all made fun of him when we were hiding in the sewers in Detroit. No, Senator. The surge has not helped. Once the surge started seeing some successes, religious leader Jeremiah Wright, Mr. Obama's pastor came and really rallied the citizens of Detroit to fight along in the insurrection."
Barack Obama: "Hey, I had no idea he was like that. When he said he hated whites I thought he meant uhhhhhh white uhhhhhh teeth. Yeah, that's it."
Hillary Clinton: "Oh shut up Barack."
Barack Obama: "Yes ma'am."
John McCain: "Let's get back on point here. General, you are saying that the Detroit War is lost?"
General Petraeus: "Yes Senator McCain, I sadly am."
Harry Reid: "SEE! I TOLD YOU!"
General Petraeus: "While I understand the circumstances of losing an American city is very disturbing, you haven't been there. It's scary in Detroit. The Al qaeda in Iraq thing was a cakewalk compared to these people. They're mad!"
Hillary Clinton: "You said earlier that our troops would serve our interests better elsewhere. Where do you think we should send the troops now?"
General Petraeus: "Oh I don't know. How about San Francisco? Yeah, San Francisco. They won't fight back. Those who do fight back will be easily taken down. Just think of all the pieces of feather boas falling all around like confetti. It would be a festive war. I think it would be pretty. Please send us there. Just get us out of Detroit. San Francisco has a lot of people who hate Christians and America and stuff. They might have weapons too or something. They'll definitely have drugs. "
Barack Obama: "See, I knew the Bush Administration was preparing for war in San Francisco. Rosie O'Donnell was right. We cannot invade San Francisco."
John McCain: "We can hear you speak against war before it happens, Mr. Obama."
Barack Obama: "Woops! I forgot I wasn't in the forest for a moment."
Hillary Clinton: "Do we have intelligence showing we will have friendly people in San Francisco? I need a landing zone safe from possible snipers."
General Petraeus: "Given previous intelligence failures I would not be expecting any friendly people there. I don't care though. Please just get me out of Detroit! It's like Hell here! Send me to San Francisco. How hard can it be to beat them?"
Then the Senate laughed roaringly and voted to get our troops out of Detroit. The vote was unanimous with one senator abstaining. John McCain. He left the meeting before the vote and met with Donald Rumsfeld and kicked him ferociously in the testicles. They also voted unanimously to send troops into San Francisco as well with Barack Obama abstaining. Some 21st century frontiersman claimed he could have swore he heard someone yelling in the woods that he was against war in San Francisco.