Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Thursday, November 06, 2008 11:32:00 PM
I have obtained a copy of President-elect Barack Obama's inaugural speech which he will give on January 20th. Don't ask how I was able to obtain it because it wasn't pretty. Okay I'll tell you anyway. I went to a coffee house where they were reading aloud some really bad poetry. If I had a gun, you would have read about me in the evening news. "My eggs, my eggs, he begs to be the father of my eggs..." BARF! Anywho, while in full beatnik gear and a collection of antique Hacky Sack balls I took after beating senselessly a Phish fan I saw in the park, I fit in. They accepted me as one of their own. To make sure they accepted me, I didn't shower for three days and rolled in some feta cheese. That was the clincher. One of them lead me to their secret lair many floors underground to see their operation. Keith Olbermann was there getting his newscast for tomorrow from David Axelrod. Reverend Wright was there asking when can he leave. He was adamant, but not much you can do in chains in a chair bolted to the ground, and pit bulls surrounding you. Then there was this huge cubicle that had a New York Times sign above it. As I went by they got a wiff and said "here brother, you can have this. It's Obama's inauguration speech." So here it is. SHHHH Keep it on the downlow.
"Hope, change, shooting stars, rainbows, purple horseshoes, lucky charms, dream, glorify me, rejoice, inspiration, I'm the One, heaven on Earth, hope, change, shooting stars, rainbows, purple horseshoes, lucky charms, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Hey it worked on you all during the campaign! I would like to thank first the mainstream media. If it wasn't for them, none of this would be possible. Not only did you accept me as your lord, saviour, and chosen one, but you did what I asked you by attacking anyone that dared get in my way. The Obamasciples have done well, and they will rejoice in my glory. Of many of the things I was accused of, the accusation of being a socialist was the most hurtful. That didn't do anything for keeping America together. Besides, I'm an outright communist. Yeah, you heard right. Didn't Ayers, Dorhn, Khalidi, my staffers having posters of Che Guevera or me saying I was going to spread the wealth tell you anything? Of course I'm a communist. I'm a pinko commie, and damn proud of it. I cried while watching "Red Dawn" when those damn Wolverines were killing the communist invaders. If I didn't see them dying at the end I don't know if I would have recovered. To this day I hate the state of Michigan just because of their university's nickname. There will be change, America. Change is coming. My words are manna for you people. Look at you just eat them up. Pathetic, but it makes me feel good. Call me Christ again, please? Oh nevermind. The first order of business is changing the flag. I hate the American flag. Red, white, and blue. Puke! That's why I didn't wear that lapel pin. There wasn't enough red on it. My new flag will be all red with hammer and sicle on it. I loved that flag. Anyway, thank you America for sealing your doom and putting me here to lead this country. Boy, did you guys F up! Hahaha. Oh well, too late now. I'm going to the White House now so I can do a line. Hope, change, shooting stars... oh nevermind. I already won. Die, you jerks! Die!" Okay, that's not really it. Had you going though, eh?