Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Sunday, December 28, 2008 12:57:00 AM
Only because of my prognosticative abilities am I able to see that in the year 2011 that I will have an interview with former VP Al Gore. The month will be June. The temperature outside will be 46 degrees for a high in Chicago. This will be in the fourth full year of below average temperatures on Earth. Scientists of all kinds finally admit they were wrong about man causing global warming. Not having learned their lessons, scientists are now again claiming we are about to enter an ice age. Just like they did in the 70's. Al Gore comes into the interview with a polar bear fur coat and alpaca hat. This is the entire transcript of the future interview.
Me: Welcome, Mr. Gore. Whoa! That's some get up!
Gore: Well, yeah. It's cold outside! The ice age is coming, you know?
Me: Ahh, yeah. Ice age. Anyway, thanks for coming to do this interview.
Gore: The honor is all mine, Mr. Norman. I'm a huge fan even though I disagree with everything you say. (okay, I'm paraphrasing there)
Me: Speaking of ice age. You are one of the last of the global warming hysteria's refugees. What made you finally give up this foolish notion?
Gore: Well, I have to admit I'm pretty hard-headed. I just got back from vacation in Hawaii. Took a private jet. Damn I love those. It was the beginning of June and it snowed. Then I started thinking "hey, this global warming stuff is a fraud." Hey, who knew right?
Me: Actually I did. A lot of us did and yet you called us "flat-Earthers" who should not be given any airtime with our idiotic opinions.
Gore: Let's not talk about things that divide us. Let's talk about things that bring us together.
Me: Well, Mr. Gore, I have to respectfully say I am conducting this interview. You sounded like you were all about division just a few short years ago by calling people with common sense "flat-Earthers". Besides I'm sure you don't want to talk about the past since you have been proven to be so wrong.
Gore: Well a lot of people were.
Me: True, but you won a Nobel Peace Prize for your work in promoting a false assumption that men, by proxy the United States was burning the Earth like it was kindlin. Don't you think Irena Sendler should have really won that award?
Gore: Who's that?
Me: Who's that? She was the woman who during WWII smuggled Jewish children in ambulances and gave them to people so they wouldn't be killed. When the Gestapo found out what she was doing, they tortured her. Don't you think she deserved it more?
Gore: Damn, yeah I will give that up to you. She did deserve it. That's incredibly brave.
Me: Why don't you give her the money you earned from your prize?
Gore: No.
Me: Didn't think so. Next question is with the newest talk of ice age, when are people like you going to stop listening to these scientists who seem to be hellbent on just trying to stay in the news?
Gore: Do you have a degree in science?
Me: Do you? No I don't, but I'm not being proven wrong every other decade either over outlandish but presented to be factual predictions. They claimed we were in or about to enter an ice age back in the 70's. They were wrong. In the 90's and much of the first decade of this millennium they claimed men were melting the Earth and causing the extinction of the polar bear. Yet, you come here wearing a fur of one since the UN has made a resolution to kill ten thousand polar bears since their numbers are too high. When are you going to learn?
Gore: Well they can't be wrong three times in a row.
Me: Why not?
Gore: Let's move on to something else.
Me: Okay. The war with Israel. Do you think President Obama should have attacked Israel with the advice of his new head of Middle Eastern Affairs, Rashid Khalidi?
Gore: Yes, we were provoked. I think President Obama did the right thing.
Me: How were we provoked? They're our allies.
Gore: Did they have WMD's?
Me: Yeah, but they're on our side. They weren't threatening us.
Gore: Sure they were. They were about to go to war with Iran, and we can't have that. We need oil from them so we can save our planet from the ice age. Israel was a threat to Iran's oil supply. We need their oil. Forget that stupid wind and hybrid stuff. We need to warm our planet. Global cooling is going to freeze us all. We need to burn more oil.
Me: What?!
Gore: Don't interrupt me, son. I was on a roll. Speaking of rolls, I'm hungry. Yeah, we need to burn more fossil fuels. We need more forest fires. That's why I'm proposing we assassinate Smokey The Bear. Don't cause forest fires my arse! Light them all on fire!
Me: So we should burn all of the fossil fuels to save us from global cooling?
Gore: Are you deaf, you flat-Earther?! Yes, burn them while we still can. That's another good thing about bombing Israel. More explosions send the temperatures up.
Me: I think I've heard enough from you, Mr. Gore. I tell you one thing though. When you take a side, you definitely jump in with both feet. With your head up your as...
Gore: Hey! That's enough! Now I'm going to leave and go turn on every light in my mansion.
As you can see, Al Gore and others like him will not learn from history. They probably will have a lot of followers where people will really be afraid of an ice age, despite the false predictions from the past. To put it gently, they're loony toons!