Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Thursday, February 05, 2009 9:20:00 AM
Many of you have read the first part of my presidential series of blogs titled "Jesse 'The Mind' Norman As A Liberal Candidate". To summarize, I announced my candidacy at TH to become President by way of the Democratic Party. I figure to beat Obama in a primary, I would have to out-Obama Obama. This is very difficult to do because he's so far left. He couldn't wait to sign that law that would fund abortions overseas. I detailed a few things in my platform that dealt with his stance on abortion, and his refusal to vote for the Born Alive Infant Protection Act by coming up with an "Ovarian Mulligan" law where each woman would be given a ticket to a free abortion. I would also allow people to be murdered as long as there was a reason for it and have it become like a retroactive or after-term abortion. Retroactive abortions are the wave of the future. Hop on this train. As a liberal running for POTUS, I know this better than anybody. I also am actively seeking the Antichrist in preparation for giving him our country. I am opening Gloryhole Theme Parks nationwide and having them paid for with more money borrowed from China. We can't borrow enough. I know. To many persons dismay, I also proposed to assassinate Smokey The Bear. He wants to prevent forest fires. In fear of the ice age looming, I have to do what's right to warm our planet and bust a cap in Smokey. My platform will continue below. I look forward to your comments.
9. Giving Mexico Back Their Land - Because there are so many illegal immigrants, or "borderblind buddies" as I like to call them, we might as well give them much of our southwest territory. We hurt a lot of feelings after taking that land. I must apologize and make up for what we did. Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, and southern California will be given to Mexico. If we did that, then Mexico will thrive with the opportunity of being a bigger third world country. Any white people in those areas still will either have to pack up and leave or suffer the consequences of the drug lords. Anything they do is fine by me since I love the hash. Hey, I'm a lib. Sue me. Northern California can stay in this country. As a matter of fact, I will propose to make a new White House on the corner of Haight-Ashbury, but it will no longer be white. It will be modeled after the Scooby Doo van.
10. Make Esperanto Official Language - It's either that or Klingon. Most of my supporters are Star Trek nerds, so this goes to show I am willing to fight against those in my camp. I can't imagine someone singing the Star Spangled Banner like "kerrr blar krooo arkhhhh maltz cho eechooo". Because this will be our country's first and only official language, we must all learn it. We will have to pay for all those signs to be redone and books reprinted, but that's where we turn to our neverfail China friends. Yep, that's right. We'll borrow more money. Besides we have to reprint the books anyway. As a lib, I must rewrite history some more.
11. Che Guevera Day - I will honor the left's biggest martyr, Che Guevera. Under my administration, we will continue to cover up that he was a murderous scoundrel. I think we've done a good job of that already in this country, but I will take it a step further. On Che Guevera Day, people will be allowed to burn rich people by the dozens. This would also help with our ice age problem, as my first platform post explains. We will also make room for him on Mount Rushmore, while taking away George Washington. He founded this horrible country that has brought onto this world such death and carnage. Nevermind that "defeated the Nazis" thing. As Pat Buchanan says, the Russians had them beat already. Buchanan was actually hoping for more Jews to be killed, but that's between you and me. Shhh, keep it on the downlow.
12. William Ayers, Secretary of Education - He will not only radicalize our children, but he can also teach them how to bore tunnels and construct bombs in case the next administration reverts back to its traditional ways. Ward Churchill will be the Undersecretary waiting in the wings. There will be no more grades. Grades hurt feelings. Lunches will be all made of tofurkey until an alternative to eating plants and animals is found. No milk to drink. No soda or water either. Water consumption is killing the rain forests. Plus people pee. That doesn't do our planet any good. How would you like it if someone were peeing on you? I bet some of you might like it, but Mother Earth does not. She's not into golden showers! Most classes will be reading books by or about Mao Tse Tung, Karl Marx, Adolf Hitler, Gore Vidal, and Noam Chomsky. Movies that aren't for learning about sex from porn will be provided by Michael Moore, or movies that have Alec Baldwin in them. The focus on education would be about bringing in the NWO and how people should only have the individual right to think like how the government wants them to think. That way there is no disorder and everyone can live in harmony.
13. I Must Have Stepped In Something - Because water consumption is destroying our planet, I will not shower. To deny that I smell like sh#t stuffed in a possum carcase, I will either say I stepped in something or the dog did it. I will always have a dog with me just in case someone smells something funny. As Creed says, it's my sacrifice.
14. What A View! - I will use the power of the government and MSM to make everyone accept that Joy Behar is not only not vomit-inducing, but somehow beautiful. This will really be just a test to see how powerful the mind control of my government can be. Anyone that says she isn't will be put into Guantanamo with Christians who have chosen to speak out on their views. Joy Behar will be seen as a GRILF!
15. John Loves John - Not only will I allow gay marriage, but I will force them to marry. Why not have them enjoy the vigours of a good divorce like every other American takes for granted? Be careful of what you wish for.
16. Japan Payback - Due to my overwhelming liberal guilt over the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I will let Japan choose two of our cities to hit with nuclear missiles. There will be one condition however. It must be done in a red state, preferably in the south. Japan can then make a movie called "Black Rain" also where an old American set sixty years from now can tell one of their detectives how it rained black rain after the nuclear attack. We must let them have payback upon us. Nevermind that they didn't surrender after the first bomb and that they tried to sabotage the surrender after the second one. Our history books don't have that point of view now. We will continue that trend.
17. Indian Giver - I will propose to give back all of the land we took from the Indians. Given that I will give land back to the Mexicans also, that would mean the rest of us better start swimming. I hope those that don't have boats can make it to Europe. We can have our own Trail of Tears and become shark food. Again due to my overwhelming liberal grief, this country was born upon hate. It shouldn't exist. Now vote for me.
As you can see, I am continuing my "go left of Obama" platform. I did it, albeit it was a very difficult task. That's like saying "be a bigger loser than the Cubs". It's nearly impossible. I am looking forward to your comments, but I need your support too. Money talks, people. Please send your donations to PO Box 1522 Portertucky, Indiana. Make sure you put "in care of Chauncey O'Clapsadle" on the envelope. Money coming in that isn't labeled for Chauncey will be spent by me on hash. Let's make it together. Oh, and uhhh change, hope or something.
Townhall.com - From Jesse 'The Mind' Norman First installment, for those that didn't read or want to read again. Neotrotsky said something interesting in the comments page that the left might actually use some of these ideas. Guess what I found out is in this stimulus package? Funding for a theme park. No word on if it's the Gloryhole Theme Park yet. I think Neotrotsky was onto something.