Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Sunday, March 15, 2009 2:02:00 AM
I have an email alert account with Jane's Intelligence online. I just received this email with the following instructions in it. Apparently there are several terrorists our intelligence has discovered the identities of and what their plans are. When I read this, I was extremely concerned for my family, friends, and fellow TH'ers. This is as scary as it gets. The email I received goes as follows:
"... ALERT! The following has come from the government of the United States Department of Homeland Security. This alert is coming from someone within President Obama's White House itself, so take it seriously. Keep that in mind when you read on. There is sufficient evidence of a probable terror attack looming, and there has already been one known victim. The reason why we are issuing this alert only on Jane's Intelligence online through those that receive email alerts is because we do not wish to alarm the terrorists. Doing so would most likely cause a catastrophic response of desperation from this terrorist cell, which is at large. I urge you to not send this email out to anyone due to the sensitivity of this alert (I guess I messed up). We urge you to take precautions as it relates to this alert. Duct tape, plastic covering are recommended as well as a desk to hide under in case there is a nuclear attack. You should be safe under a desk in 10,000 degrees farenheit. Yep, that should be more than enough protection.
This terrorist cell we have discovered was in the city of Dearborn, Michigan. The first member at large, and terrorist cell leader Achu Asniz has been trained in Afghanistan and Pakistan. This al Qaeda terrorist's special expertise is biological warfare. According to our computer experts that broke down the encryption, Mr. Asniz' responsibility will be to go into where crowds of people usually congregate and spread along the rhinovirus. That's the common cold to the layperson. It seems that Achu Asniz has been infected with an acute form of the cold. He will have help with the cell's second in command, Huwaktu Aflem. He is also infected with an acute form of the rhinovirus. He will also be looking for crowds. Do not go to spring training games, shopping malls, or unemployment offices. If they carry out their plot, they will possibly cause some Americans to miss a day of work or school.
Another terrorist is actually half-Arab and half-Russian. He is also trained in biological warfare and the spreading of diseases. His name is Habeet Imov. Apparently he has already been spotted in men's rest stop and airport bathrooms. He offers a good time by putting his hand under the stall walls. His hand is infected with the flesh eating virus. Senator Larry Craig is the only known casualty at this time and is in serious condition with a missing digit, which has yet to be revealed. Habeet Imov isn't one you want to give the sleight of hand to.
They were all helped by an American left-wing radical professor named Howie Donner. Mr. Donner has an interesting story. Does anyone want to hear more about Howie Donner? Good, then I will proceed. This Harvard educated professor has worked closely with William Ayers, Reverend Wright, Rashid Khalidi, Saul Alinsky, and Bernardine Doehrn. There is absolutely no connection though between this radical professor and the President of the United States. None. Absolutely none. There isn't even a hint at a connection here. There is nothing to ask about this because there is nothing to answer. They are worlds apart. No connection between our President and this terrorist professor whatsoever. Am I making myself clear? There isn't any connection between President Obama and terrorist professors. I don't know why you keep harping on this issue. There isn't any connection. Let's move on, shall we? Nope, for the last time there is no connection. Moving right along, Professor Donner helped bring these terrorists into this country by falsifying visas under the guise of them coming to the United States for a college education. It seems Mr. Donner met with these terrorists and openly talked about terrorist plots in bookstores and coffee shops, as well as university cafeterias. We worked our tails off to find witnesses willing to give us information about them in those places, but none would give us any information even when we made it clear their families were possibly in danger. The only two that helped was a worker at the university cafeteria and a customer who was looking to buy a book written by Bill O'Reilly, but then discovered the store had a "no conservative written books" policy. It was only after a heated exchange between the potential customer and the shop manager that the customer gave us crucial information. I guess the other people there that were playing chess and sipping $7 coffee beat the crap out of the customer for working with us and doing their civic duty because they are in serious, but stable condition at the local hospital.
One last person to look for. She is a converted Muslim student in Professor Donner's class. She goes by the name Maiden Ali Upe. Maiden Ali Upe knows Howie Donner good. Real good. She doesn't have any real expertise, but she has some inside information that might relate to other terrorist cells.
We're hoping we bring these people to justice without any further harm to the American people. We should look to eachother in times such as this and hopefully it will bring us closer together while forgetting all about the economy. You didn't remember anything about the economy as you were reading this alert, now did you? Good. We are on top of the situation, but if you have any information on these individuals, you are encouraged to contact your local authorities. Thank you for your help and for your time. Let's hope America is kept safe during this crisis. Obama bless the United States."
Okay I have to admit I am one twisted SOB for writing this, so any comment like "man, you are messed up" or "seek help immediately" will fall on deaf ears. You're preaching to the choir, so I don't have to hear what I already know. Take care and Obama bless you all.