Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Tuesday, April 07, 2009 3:14:00 AM
"Hi, I am Keith Olbermann of 'Nobody's Watching With Keith Olbermann'. MSNBC asked me to moderate this debate since I have named Jesse Norman as the Worst Person Of The Day for 147 days in a row. You don't come and fool us like that and not pay a price, Mr. Norman! This is an important townhall styled debate where democrats will be debating with other liberal factions which have broken off into their own parties. This isn't to see who will be the nominee for any party. This is just a debate of ideas as we get into the election season. Representing democrats is our Messiah, King Barack Obama. He has graciously accepted my apologies for betraying him and following Jesse Norman when he fooled us into thinking he was a radical.... I mean common sense liberal. Mr. Obama, I'd say 'god bless you' but you are god. Also representing the democrats is Dan Seals, who is unknown but he looks and sounds exactly like Barack Obama. As a matter of fact, he's likes that. He's hoping to confuse you so much that you vote for him by mistake. Representing the Celebrity Party are Alec Baldwin, Paris Hilton, and Gary Coleman. First question in the audience comes from a Mr. Joseph Myles of Topeka, Kansas. His question is to Mr. Obama. Now Mr. Myles, make sure your question to our lord is about his suit, okay?"
Joseph Myles: "Oh, absolutely. Mr. Obama, who did your suit?"
Barack Obama: "It's good you asked that... stop moving the prompter please. Okay, there you go. It's good you asked that question Mr. Jiles. It was done by ... keep it moving quicker please. Ah. It's a Versace. I thank you for the question, Mr. Kyles."
Joseph Myles: "Oh, one more question..."
Barack Obama: "Arrest him!"
Keith Olbermann: "Yes, arrest him. Please audience, do not deviate from the questions provided for you or there will be consequences. Second question comes from Ireland Baldwin, and it goes to Alec Baldwin."
Ireland Baldwin: "Hi dad."
Alec Baldwin: "Hi pig... I mean hi sweetie."
Ireland Baldwin: "Since you are running for President, I'd like to know what have you ever done to make you qualified for the Office?"
Alec Baldwin: "Don't embarass me now, hon. My wrath will be terrible. You want me to answer that question? Okay, I'll answer it. I have done more than our President before he became President, and he won. That's my answer."
The audience nods in unison.
Keith Olbermann: "Jesse, I hate you. Just wanted to say that. Next question is from a man calling himself Herpes Contractus From Paris. Are you Greek, sir? Anyway his question is to Paris Hilton."
Herpes Contractus: "Do you remember me?"
Paris Hilton: "No, should I have?"
Herpes Contractus: "We had sex two weeks ago."
Paris Hilton: "Hmm... nope, doesn't ring a bell."
Herpes Contractus: "We did it on camera?"
Paris Hilton: "Oh, you're going to have to be more specific than that for crying out allowed."
Herpes Contractus: "You made me wear that Chihuahua costume."
Paris Hilton: "Nnnnnope, still going to have to be more specific. Wait! Did we meet in Vegas?"
Herpes Contractus: "Yes. I'm the one."
Paris Hilton: "Well that just narrowed it down to seven, but go ahead. What's your question?"
Herpes Contractus: "Do you see my lips? Look at what you did! I'll never be able to kiss a woman again!" Security starts to take him away. "I look like I've been stuck in the desert for a week! Look at my lips for heaven's sake! Someone stop that woman. She'll infect the whole country!" Paris nods as he's being taken away. "Stop her! Someone please stop her! Look at my liiiiips!"
Keith Olbermann: "Ahem, well that was interesting. I'd be interested in Ms. Hilton myself except I still have a knot on the top of my head from the last time I was in the Oral ... I mean Oval Office. Next question comes from ousted Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Her question goes to President Obama. Remember Mrs. Clinton, Chelsea is being held captive so make sure you stick to the format."
Hillary Clinton: "Barack, please let my daughter go. When are you going to let her go?"
Barack Obama: "When I give GM back to the public. MOOHAHAHAHAHA! So consider her mine. You should have known better than to go against my 'give the nukes to Iran' program. Didn't that program keep Iran from manufacturing nukes?"
Hillary Clinton: "Yeah, because they didn't need to manufacture them anymore. You gave them our nukes."
Barack Obama: "That's not what I asked. You can't argue with the results. My administration stopped Iran from making nukes. It was a total success."
Keith Olbermann: "Well said, lord Obama. We didn't like Israel anyway. They had it coming. Next question goes to Gary Coleman from someone named Guido Narducci."
Guido Narducci: "Yo, Gary. When we hired you to do commercials for us, namely Guido's Cement Shoes And Fourth Floor Casino, we didn't think you'd rack up thirty large on Paulie's game. When are you gonna come tru for us?"
Gary Coleman: "That's going to be a problem. My father, Mr. Drummond has cut me off. He said I have a quote, unquote gambling problem. Here's the keys to his Park Avenue apartment. Take what you want except for Mrs. Garret. I'm banging her. Oh, whatchu talkin' about, America!"
Keith Olbermann: "Hahaha. Thanks, Mr. Coleman. I love that line. Was wondering when you were going to do it. The next question will be the last and then we'll get to some closing statements. Last question goes to Dan Seals from a Bizarro Superman."
Bizarro Superman: "You stole my gimmick. You stole it except you didn't become Obama's opposite. You became just like him. What's the point? If you're going to steal my gimmick, then stick to it. Don't ruin it. They threatened to kill me off because of you. If you weren't an evil, radical democrat like myself that hates truth, justice, and the American way, I'd kill you."
Dan Seals: "Uhh hope, change, yes we can, shooting stars, purple horseshoes, lucky charms. That's all I got."
Keith Olbermann: "Okay, now to our closing statements. Mr. Obama, you are first. You are also last. You are Alpha and Omega. Your closing statement, Sir."
Barack Obama: "When I first became President, we were in a $1.3 trillion deficit. Thanks to my administration we have gotten it up to $3.8 trillion. Our debt is at just over $16 trillion thanks to my administration. We have turned the dollar into the peso. Many say it couldn't be done. I did it. Many said we wouldn't come up with a solution to the Israeli-Palestinian situation. By giving Iran nuclear weapons and shooting down Israel's countermeasures, we now have a solution to that crisis. Many said that America couldn't be brought down to its knees. I did it. Many said that... which teleprompter do you want me to look at? Well stop pointing to that one. You know I can't speak without my teleprompter... Many said that we wouldn't stop illegal immigration. Thanks to me, now Mexico has a problem with illegal immigration consisting of Unites States citizens. All of these things people say couldn't be done, but I did it. Yes we can. In my next term, we will change the US flag from the Stars and Stripes to the Hammer and Sickle. Yes we can. We will use DNA technology to bring back to life Karl Marx and Che Guevera. Yes we can. Yes we can, America. Yes we can. Thank you."
Keith Olbermann: "Okay, the last closing statement goes to Paris Hilton."
Paris Hilton: "Hello... is this still America?"
An audience member yells "good question" before he is shot by ACORN representatives.
Paris Hilton: "Whoa, that was cool! Anyway, I don't know who that guy was from before. Those lips were grody. Ewww. To expect me to remember someone I had sex with would be like asking Keith Olbermann how many pants he wore the knees out of at the Gloryhole Theme Parks. Impossible to answer in other words. I've lost fourteen dogs this month alone. I do think I'd make a good Precedent, though. I could come up with a solution to the neverending cola wars. Mr. Obama hasn't done that. I can talk without a television. Mr. Obama can't. Well I can't read so I can't use a television when speaking. And I don't have a mean pastor like Obama had because I have never been inside a church. When I try to, the Earth quakes and the holy water boils. Remember America, nobody has more experience off their feet than I do. I will be a good Precedent. Vote for me. Don't worry about me. I will register to vote for real this time. Thank you... this is still America right?"
Yes, that is a good question Paris. Will it still be America when election season warms up for 2012? Just when you thought I was finished doing these, BAM! I come out with another one. Stay tuned until the next installment.