Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Sunday, February 08, 2009 12:22:00 PM
This is the third installment of my series of blogs where I'm running for President in 2012. I am running, as you may know, for President of the United States via the Democratic Party. Because of my prognosticative abilities, which helped me see my future interview with Al Gore, I was also able to see my competition as well as media reports surrounding the race. This is our real future ahead of us, as unbelievable as it sounds. Don't doubt me as a soothsayer. The last fool that dared question me was Steve Guttenberg. He didn't listen to me. He thought he had the world by the short 'n curlies. He didn't heed my warning. Have you heard anything about him for years? I arrest my case. I have spoken, thus it shall be done. This is about me and my competition for 2012 from the left and the media reports of it.
Foxnews: Shepard Smith- "President Obama is in a lot of trouble in staying as the nominee of his own party, not to mention new splinter parties that have broken away from the Democratic Party. He is facing three challengers from the Celebrity Party. Tim Robbins looks poised to be the Celebrity Party's nominee but Gary Coleman and Alec Baldwin are making gains. It seems the Celebrity Party doesn't care that Alec Baldwin was caught on video beating an elderly woman for having an American Flag lapel pin on her shawl. With America being in a depression for almost three years now, it doesn't look like President Obama will be able to hold onto his title. Even with Hillary Clinton deciding not to challenge him, he is losing to two unknown men named Dan Seals and very far left nut Jesse Norman in the newest Gallup tracking poll."
MSNBC: Keith Olberman- "I still have a show? You gotta be kidding me. What do I have to do to get fired? The only people that advertise on my show is from the group Clone Che Guevera Now, which I happen to be the president of. Do I have to go down to thirteen viewers instead of our nightly average of seventeen? Do I have to wear seven Obama Flag lapel pins? What? You tell me, America! Email me with your thoughts."
"Hi, I'm Dan Seals running for President of the United States. I realize you may have not heard of me, but look at me. I look exactly like Barack Obama. I can say 'change' and 'hope' too. Here's my new buddy William Ayers. I've gotten to know him just so I can become President too. I was nearly a congressman from Illinois. President Obama has sung my praises in 2008 as a chip off the old block, but what he won't tell you is that I have done even less than he has. I don't even vote at all. You know nothing about my record or where I stand. That is how you can trust me. It nearly worked in 2008. It can surely work in 2012. Know nothing about me, America. Elect me as your President. I'm Dan Seals and I approve this message."
CNN: Wolf Blitzer- "With President Obama's permission, Iran has invaded Iraq. In his face to face meeting with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President Obama said that Iran can have Iraq as long as they stop there and don't try to invade Israel. Ahmadinejad laughed and winked and had his fingers crossed as he said "okay". Iran has been attacking Iraq with bombs and funded Shiite militias since the day President Obama pulled American troops out. Instead of putting them back in, as he promised he would do during the campaign, President Obama seems to make sure he's not known as a wartime President. Will Israel be next? Ahmadinejad gave President Obama his word. That should be good enough. In my interview with frontrunner Jesse Norman, he explained to me his desire to assassinate Smokey The Bear. Given we are definitely in an ice age, as the scientists say, it sounds like a good idea. Because of his common sense approach to issues, he looks like he will become the new nominee for the DNC."
"Hi, I'm Gary Coleman. I am running to be the Celebrity Party's nominee. I ran for governor in California so you know I've got experience. I have the financial backing of Mr. Drummond, my adoptive father so you know I've got the financial means to put ads on television as much as I'd like. I will be doing a series of infomercials. Not like the ones you've seen me in before where I may have been pushing for Guido's We'll Break Your Legs Loans or Guido's Cement Shoes Fourth Floor Casino. These informercials will give you my plans for getting us out of this mess we're in. You'll be seeing more of me in the future. You don't think I can win, America? Obama became President doing less. Whatchu talkin about, America?!"
Front Page of the New York Times: "Damn, we're sorry America. I know we have been one-sided in the past and we are responsible with much of the media for making Obama President. We're sorry about that, but we are changing. We don't hate America anymore. Maureen Dowd is now running for President as the MSM Party candidate, so she's not here anymore. She is trying to live out her Citizen Kane dreams. We will start reporting honestly and without bias. We promise. To prove it, we're actually going to print stories we were sitting on about Obama before he became President hoping to not hurt his chances. That was a mistake. We're sorry America. Please subscribe to the New York Times. We finally get it after having our circulation go down to five hundred and forty-six. We get it. Welcome us back into your home, America. Be part of the new New York Times family. By the way, we endorse Jesse Norman. He's a genius and represents our values. Anyone that dares try to get in his way, we will take them down. Maybe we haven't learned our lesson afterall."
MSNBC: Keith Olbermann holding up a picture of President Obama- "I kiss your picture, lord. Master, I serve only you. You are my only lord and saviour. I will do anything you want me to do. Bid me! Command me!"
Producer- "Keith, you're on!"
Keith- "Oh! Sorry. Ahem. Let's read the emails to see what I can do to get fired. Ah, here's an email from Tom from Myspace. It says 'enjoy the new features at Myspace. Keep track of your buddies like Tom while making it easier to keep unwanted people from harassing you with our new Keith Olbermann Request Remover for a more enjoyable Myspace experience.' This can't be real, can it?"
Producer- "I'm afraid so, Keith. It seems they really take ideas from real people. I only gave them a suggestion."
Keith- "Jerkwad. Here, I know how I can get fired. I'll send Jeffrey Immelt a buddylist invitation on all his acc.."
Producer- "Immelt just called. You're fired."
"Like hi or whatever, America. As you may know I am Paris Hilton. I am running for precedence too. No one has more experience than me. Well at least off my feet. I should be good enough for you to vote for. I know I'm not old enough yet, but I promise I will send every American a smiley face when I'm precedent. What can cure all of the ills of the world better than a smile? See, I'm not as stupid as you might think. Nevermind that I have been dooped into doing five sex videos that went public in the last year One with a corpse. Another with my sister. I was used. What am I going to do? Say no? I can't say no to sex with anyone. I'm Paris Hilton dammit! The dead guy didn't ask me, but you should have seen the way he looked at me. He kept staring at me. I know he wanted it. Also just forget that I have lost seven dogs. They're like phones. You can just buy another one. I'm Paris Hilton, and I like appeal this massage."
"Hi, I'm Alec Baldwin. I'm running for President...SHUT UP! I'm doing a campaign ad you sl*t! Damn kids. Anyway, I know I will be the best President ever. Me and Michael Moore, my VP candidate will take America down. We will abolish July 4th, just like Moore wanted to do in that American Carole movie. Instead of just nearly being a socialist country, we will make it one fully. I have a ... shut the hell up you damn pig! Daughters, who needs them? I have a cool head. Don't worry about that old lady I beat the snot out of. You don't wear an American Flag lapel pin around me. That's my policy and she should have known that. She was asking for it. I am Alec Bal... you going to keep moving the camera around? Give me that damn thing! *BAM!* There, you like the camera moving now? Did it feel good having the camera smack you upside the face? Man, I should have never gotten married again."
As you can see, this is a nightmarish scenario all because we were willing to vote in a man who has not done a damn thing other than speak eloquently. Obama's election as President lowered the standards of what it would take for a candidate to win and lead the most, well used to be the most powerful country in the world. My competition certainly has their strong points. It's so hard to go left of that, but I think I did a good job. During the campaign, I will be involved in a scandal involving Paris Hilton and a camera. That should get me some support and a trip to the free clinic. What I didn't write about was the vision I saw about the election of 2016. Does President Hannah Montana put some fear into you?