Keith Olbermann - "I still cannot believe I have a show. It's incredulous that anyone can stand listening to me. I mean my mom committed suicide during one of my shows. Her suicide note read 'I should have used protection. It's just that you don't know when exactly the milkman is going to come. What unspeakable evil have I brought onto this world through my womb? Nobody knows my guilt, pain, and sorrow. Since I have unleashed this plague upon the Earth, I have no other choice but to take my own life. Keith, I hate you son.' Anyways, since I still do have a show, the show must go on. Today, I am interviewing my first highly anticipated guest and presidential candidate, Jesse Norman. I should have at least a hundred viewers today. Mr. Norman, thanks for coming. How are you today sir?"
Jesse Norman - "I'm doing fine. Thanks for having me on your .... um show."
Olbermann - "You're welcome sir. Some Americans see your ideas as radical, but I think you are dead on with your points of view. Do you think you are being perceived correctly by the American people, or do you think they're too dumb to know what is good for them?"
Norman - "Well I wouldn't go that far saying that they are too dumb. They're just simply uneducated. At least those from the middle and to the right."
Olbermann - "What kind of job do you think President Obama has done?"
Norman - "I know you're not going to like this but I think he's done a terrible job."
Olbermann - "Damn you! Sorry, go ahead."
Norman - "Indeed. He hardly ever made real decisions as President. He's trying to have it both ways like he did during the general election. He's acting like he's still running for President. Pick a side, Mr. President."
Olbermann - "Yeah, I see your point. I have been disappointed with him too in a way. In order to look unbiased, I have to say that I'm not endorsing you. If I wasn't a make believe talk show host on a Pravdaesque channel, then I'd be telling everyone to vote for you. As you can see, I took down all of my Obama memorabilia and put up your pictures."
Norman - "Well thanks. I would have noticed if I watched your show."
Olberman - "That's okay. No one does. I loved your idea of assassinating Smokey The Bear. I'm with you about this ice age. We have to take steps against those that do not accept we are in an ice age. Smokey's time has come. It's over for Smokey. We do need to burn forests in order to warm our planet. That's why I want you to look at the monitor."
Smokey is tied to a chair and gagged while anarchists are pushing bamboo strips under his claw nails.
Olbermann - "I'm doing my part to save global cooling. When you're elected, you can have him Mr. Norman."
Norman - "Eeesh. That's good I guess."
Olbermann - "Damn, you are handsome. I really am enthused at your idea for the Gloryhole Theme Park. I have been wanting one of those for years. I love going to park bathrooms and using the gloryholes. I always make sure I bring some binaca with me. Where did you come up with this idea?"
Norman - "I was playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas and they had a commercial for it, so I thought 'why not a real one'. I have to give them credit. Binaca? So you go there to.."
Olbermann - "Next question. You have such great icy blue eyes. Are those contacts?"
Norman - "No, they're mine."
Olbermann - "Wow. They look fake."
Norman - "No, they're real and they're spectacular. I get that all the time."
Olbermann - "The Antichrist. You said you were going to give him our country. Do you really want former President Bush to have a third term?"
Norman - "Bush, the Antichrist? He's not the Antichrist."
Olbermann - "It must be Cheney then."
Norman - "No, it's not him either."
Olbermann - "Then he must not exist. I really loved your idea of making William Ayers the Secretary of Education. That's where Obama started his downward slide. When you have such a great thinker as Ayers in your circle, you have to take advantage of that. Your idea of giving land back to Mexico so they can become a bigger third world country is incredible. Do you think those against it are either people who want America to stay intact or are racists who only wish that white people were in this country?"
Norman - "Do you always answer your own questions?"
Olbermann - "Yes."
Norman - "Oh, I didn't know that. Do you want me to answer?"
Olbermann - "It's not necessary. You're great, so I don't want you to work too hard in thinking. Tell me, would you mind if I started a religion named after you?"
Norman - "Look, this is all a scam you idiot! I'm not a liberal. What the hell are you people doing? I keep seeing people with picket signs in major cities saying "I'm Down For Gloryhole", and "Kill That Damn Bear". Look at that poor bear being tortured. Let him go you sick son of a bit*h! What is wrong with you? We're not in an ice age. We're not going to freeze to death. Man wasn't causing the global warming before this. We weren't in an ice age before man was supposedly warming the planet. Aie aie aie! How about living and learning from your mistakes? Damn! I'm not for giving land back to anyone. This is our country. The best country on Earth. I just wanted to take some issues you nutty liberals are champions for and took it a step further. Maybe it was a giant step. Maybe it was a tiny step. Sadly I'm thinking now it was a very tiny step. I'm exposing your delusional ideas to the American people. I hope most of them wake up and realize that they have a brain in their skulls. I'm not for killing a damn bear. I'm not for putting up Gloryhole Theme Parks all over the country. By the way, you have something on your chin. The liberals have ruined this country. We were doing fine for more than two hundred years until the hippies turned this country into one big Easy Rider movie. I'm not running for the Democratic Party. I'm running for the Republican Party as a conservative. Remember that republicans? Conservatism? Well I'm bringing back conservatism to the Republican Party. I want to change things. Hope! Change! See I can do that too. Now if you'll excuse me, just being in this building is making me realize I need a shower. No, you can't dry me off."
Olbermann - "I was going to make Jesus today's Worst Person of the Day, but now you are it Mister!"
Be sure to stay tuned for the next installment of my Presidential campaign blogs. Previous parts of the series below. Again I am asking for money to make a run for President in 2012 via the Republican Party now. Donations sent through the postal service should be labeled "In Care Of Chauncey O'Clapsadle". If you don't know who Chauncey O'Clapsadle is, he was the guy behind Gary Coleman in that "Guido's Cement Shoes Fourth Floor Casino" commercial. He's big. So unless you want him paying you a visit, you best be ponying up some cash!