Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Wednesday, February 25, 2009 10:06:00 AM
In the last installment of my series of blogs where I was running for President for the Democratic Party in 2012, I had an interview with Keith Olbermann. I finally decided to come out and say that all of my prior positions were a joke to expose the left's ridiculous stances on most issues. Olbermann got angry with me and made me his "Worst Person Of The Day", instead of Jesus as was planned for the show. This is the mainstream media's backlash against me for fooling them into thinking my radical left-wing ideas were their visions of Utopia about to become realized by a man (for a second time). They do not appreciate me mocking their true ambitions. This is their attempt at taking me down with their incredible desperation on display.
New York Times - "According to anonymous sources within presidential candidate Jesse Norman's camp, he has been a little too close with a lobbyist's fourteen year old daughter. Now they're not saying he's doing anything inapppropriate. They're not even saying that he knows her name, but even to his own admission, Mr. Norman used to rent 80's porn where the actresses looked like David Coverdale. Would it really be that far of a stretch that he might have already impregnated this minor? Now again, we're not saying anything has actually happened. Why are we reporting this? Hell, we don't know. Oh wait. We do know. He is on the other side. I told you we haven't learned our lesson, America."
Countdown With Keith Olbermann - "Looks like they can't fire me while I sleep under my desk. I guess that's a good thing. Plus my collection of cats seem to like it here. According to my sources, which is me, we have footage that might be too shocking to believe or watch. Jesse Norman, the Nazi right-wing dictator in waiting has been caught on video doing something horrendous. Before airing this video, I must warn you. The footage might be too graphic for some viewers."
A video is shown from the movie Bambi where Bambi's mother gets shot by a hunter.
Olbermann - "It is dark and hard to see his face, but that hunter is Neo-Nazi Jesse Norman. He's the one who killed Bambi's mother. Go ahead and call me crazy. What do you have to say about this, Mr. Norman? Go ahead and deny you killed Bambi's mother. I know the truth. NBC knows the truth. My friend knows the truth, even though I don't know his name. I'm supposed to see him in a rest stop at 3AM. This is why I still have a job, America. My investigative abilities as a broadcaster makes me invaluable. Email me with your thoughts."
CNN - Wolf Blitzer - "You can buy our newest t-shirt here at CNN. It's a bit of a take from our old t-shirt we sold back in early 2009 that said 'Barack Obama - He Raises His Hand And Lifts A Nation'. This one says 'Jesse Norman- He Raises A Finger At America'. The proceeds of the selling of this shirt will go to the DNC and also a contract killer to take out Mr. Norman before he gets any closer to the White House. You can thank us later."
"Hi, I'm Alec Baldwin. Just like many Americans, I too had a big laugh when Mr. Norman came out saying he was actually a republican. Now I won't get too angry at him because I know he can kick my as* pretty easily. I'm good at bullying females such as my daughter. What I am here to tell you is that I am thankful that his slot is open for someone qualified to run the country like me. I would be a good... SHUT THE HELL UP YOU DAMN PIG! Why did I take her in the settlement? Anyway I think you should vote for me. If you liked Mr. Norman's fake proposals, then you'll love me. I'll put them all in place. I have to say I'm looking forward to the Gloryhole Theme Park myself. I understand Mr. Olbermann is too for an entirely different reason. Bring your kneepads if I win, Keith. I am Alec Baldwin and I approve this message."
Olbermann is sleeping on his desk.
Producer: "Keith!"
Olbermann: "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LEAVE! MY CATS WILL STARVE!"
Producer: "Wake up, Keith. You were dreaming."
Olbermann: "Like hell I was. Welcome back. Ah, here's an email from someone calling themselves American Sweetheart. She says 'Your show blows.' Gee, thanks for the eye-opener. 'Mr. Norman wasn't even alive when Bambi was made and that was a damn cartoon. What are you on?' Peyote. To answer your question, yes Mr. Norman was born in January 1971 and Bambi was made in 1942 and it was a cartoon. Let me clue you in, you right-wing imbecilic fascist, he's a republican. He can find a way. No other show can give you insights such as this. I am beyond GENIUS. They should make a game called Olbermann Pursuit. Mr. Norman isn't a cartoon... That's up for debate on this program and here at MSNBC."
Paris Hilton - "Hi, this is... umm" She opens her purse and takes out her ID. "Oh! This is, wait I can't read. What does this say?" A limo driver comes into the picture and says "Paris Hilton". "Oh yeah. Thanks. Now you can leave. You smell. Ewww. I just want to announce to America that I am pregnant, but that won't stop me from running for precedent. Because I am pregnant, I have had my limo driver read me a whole bunch of information about naval care." "That's natal care you bimbo." "Oh, thanks. Now go away. I can still smell you downwind. What I found out was fascinating. Did you know that you're either born a girl or a boy? I just thought some girls grew wienies. Who knew, right? With all of the things I learned, I decided to write a book ghost authored by my limo driver Hector. It's called 'Breastfeeding For Dummies'. In the later months of my pregnancy, I'm going to be off my feet quite a bit but never fear. That's where I do my best work is off my feet. Don't let this keep you from voting for me. I can still be a good precedent. No, I don't know who the father is. I know what you're thinking, but don't worry. The pool has been narrowed to a couple or a few uhhh dozen or so. I'm not that big of a hobag. I love you America. At least those who bathe."
Newsweek - Newsweek has a easily seen doctored photograph of me throwing a molotov cocktail into a school on the cover. Inside there is another doctored photo of me smiling as big as can be dropping a Quran into the toilet. The wall of the stall has a sign on it that says "THIS IS A GITMO TOILET. JESSE NORMAN WAS HERE"
"After hiding this for months during Mr. Norman's campaign run as a liberal, we decided to finally print all of this strong photographic evidence of the real Jesse Norman. The most shocking photo is the last one where he has his arm around Smokey The Bear. As you can see, Smokey still has injuries to his claws suffered at the hands of Keith Olbermann's anarchist friends. He should have finished the job. We need more fires. As a matter of fact after closing this copy of Newsweek, it will self-destruct in three seconds. Now some of you may remember that we printed a false accusation that a soldier in Guantanamo flushed a Quran down the toilet. We are retracting that retraction. It was Jesse Norman that did it, and we have the evidence. To make matters worse, according to sources, Mr. Norman said after flushing it down the toilet that all Arabs smell like curry. I'm sorry to say, but this is all true. We're Newsweek. We think you have to believe us."
Sarah Palin - "Damn, I thought I had it bad in the last election. Look at what Mr. Norman has been going through. He's been accused of killing Bambi's mother. He was accused of starting the fire to destroy the Shroud of Turin in 1997 even though there's no evidence that he's ever been to Italy. He supposedly impregnated a fourteen year old girl that he might not have met. The Los Angeles Times printed a picture where he was urinating on an old nun and waving at the camera. This is disgusting. Are you going to stand for this, America?"
She's right. Are you going to stand for this? Could you imagine if this was all true? That I came out as a great liberal thinker and came up with all of these radical ideas, then mocked them saying how ridiculous they were? The media would go apecaca. They would be like chickens with their heads cut off. There would be no end to their hostility and the capabilities of their lying while trying to make it truth. It happened in the last election, and America stood for it. It can happen again, no matter how ridiculous their assertions can be. Wake the hell up, America! Realize why the media wants you to think a certain way. There will be more to this series of blogs. It doesn't get any prettier ; )