Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Sunday, January 25, 2009 1:00:00 AM
If I was running for President of the Democratic Party, I would out-Obama Obama. I have charisma and I can speak very well. For all of those that do not know, I have a deep velvety voice that the women love. I am comfortable in my own skin and I do not have any baggage. Well, I used to rent porn. Shameful I know. Especially considering it was in the late 80s and the actresses had that horribly heavy-sprayed glamrock hairdo. Most looked like David Coverdale. Anyway, that is really my biggest transgression. Oh, and I killed my grandparents. I found out they were leaving me money so I figured why delay the inevitable. Anywho, this is my presidential platform if I ran as a liberal.
1. A Chicken In Every Pot: I would borrow more money from the Chinese to give every person in the United States a coupon for one Tofurkey. I know many might want a real turkey, but PETA would go apecaca. I would also provide each male teenager with a condom and a free pass to the Gloryhole Theme Park. This park would also be funded with government money borrowed from those friendly Chinese folks. Oh by the way, prostitution would not only be legal, but encouraged. I would allow young women to work as prostitutes as part of my "community service for college tuition and loans" proposal. They can earn money towards their collegiate degrees by working as prostitutes at the Gloryhole Theme Park, or other fine establishments. What teenage girls will get, look below.
2. The Ovarian Mulligan Law: Each woman and teenage girl would be given a card that would entitle them to a free abortion. If they do not wish to use it, then they can sell it on eBay if they have Paypal. They could sell it anywhere. Any woman can have as many cards as she can afford. If she kills a woman to obtain her card, that will be okay because she will fall under the "after term abortion" law that I will propose to make legal murders with special circumstances. Just murdering someone will not fall under this. They can be prosecuted. If someone murders another for a reason, as in trying to take something from that person, then that would fall under this law. It won't matter how old the murder victim is. This program will be paid for by church donations mandatorily given by only Christian churches. All OBGYN's must perform abortions, no matter their beliefs. If any quit their job or refuse to perform an abortion, they will be shot in the public square of their respective town or city. I will not tolerate dissidents.
3. The Code Pink Law: I would allow members of Code Pink to not only harass members of the military, but also use terrorist methods upon them. This would be allowed until I have abolished the US military. I won't do it rashly. There would be a responsible transition from a country with a strong military, to a country with no military. If this isn't done responsibly, it could invite a coup or attack from a foreign country. Under this law also I would drop millions of roses upon those we consider to be our enemies along with a note of apology from each and every individual from the United States. Those who do not wish to participate will be put in Guantanamo. It will be reopened for those who hold traditional and Christian values and speak on them.
4. Assassinate Smokey The Bear: By this time, the talk of global warming will turn to the talk of ice age. Scientists will say that the ice age is a threat to the entire planet. Since I am running as a liberal candidate, I have to believe scientists no matter how ridiculous the prediction is. To combat the ice age, I will order the assassination of Smokey The Bear for wanting to prevent forest fires. I will order Americans to burn everything in sight. In order to save this planet from an ice age, we must encourage the burning of forests! Stupid bear. Each person would get a $10,000 voucher for burning their own home. Living in large buildings with many other families will be free. A homeowner can burn their own home for $10,000 and be allowed to live freely with other families in schools and other large buildings. If a person burns a house that isn't theirs, they will receive a $20,000 voucher. As the last act of our military might, I will bomb the daylights out of Israel. Not just because liberals hate Israel, but it would go a long way towards warming our planet, thus saving us from the ice age.
5. The MSM Bailout Plan: Because I want the MSM behind me, I will passionately propose a bailout for their troubling industry. I will also banish Foxnews and other center-right news outlets and print media. All talk radio will be banned except for a refurbished Air America. I would employ an Air America czar to make sure they find the farthest left voices from our universities and have them work at the new Air America. I will make sure they are tenured professors because they're never at work anyway.
6. Chrismas: I will allow Christians their holiday, but will remove the "t" from the word turning it into Chrismas. That wasn't a typo. There will be two characters associated with the new Chrismas. Santa and Satan Claus. Satan Claus will drop Ovarian Mulligan cards from his sleigh, just in case there are women who need more.
7. Learn Sex From Porn: I will force every public and private school to provide their students a class, from first grade on up, to watch porn in order to learn about sex. The older the student, the more advanced the course. At least twice during this course workers from the Gloryhole Theme Park or a woman who has performed in an adult video will be in the class to answer questions. At the end of each year, each student will be given a tube of K-Y. Each student at graduation will receive their diploma, and a certificate in BDSM. This law goes right in hand, pun intended, with the first two proposals on my platform.
8. Find the Antichrist: I will order the CIA to have one mission. To find the Antichrist. Once we find him, I will bow to him and call on all Americans to also bow to him. After the bowing is over, I will give him our country and let him take over. This will be a great day for a future liberal Utopia and give the NWO a great kickstart. It will be beautiful.
If you wanted to know how I could out-Obama Obama, I think I just showed you. I would become a great thinker in the eyes of the MSM and Hollywood for my radical proposals. I would steal the thunder from Zeus Obama. Do you think he would try to go center of me in a primary? Of course not. Can he go left of me? We shall see. I am making my announcement at TH. I am running for President of the United States by way of the Democratic Party. There will be more to come.