Posted by
Jesse "The Mind" Norman on Sunday, February 15, 2009 4:58:00 PM
PT. 1 JESSE NORMAN RUNNING AS LIBERAL CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT
If I was running for President of the Democratic Party, I would out-Obama Obama. I have charisma and I can speak very well. For all of those that do not know, I have a deep velvety voice that the women love. I am comfortable in my own skin and I do not have any baggage. Well, I used to rent porn. Shameful I know. Especially considering it was in the late 80s and the actresses had that horribly heavy-sprayed glamrock hairdo. Most looked like David Coverdale. Anyway, that is really my biggest transgression. Oh, and I killed my grandparents. I found out they were leaving me money so I figured why delay the inevitable. Anywho, this is my presidential platform if I ran as a liberal.
1. A Chicken In Every Pot: I would borrow more money from the Chinese to give every person in the United States a coupon for one Tofurkey. I know many might want a real turkey, but PETA would go apecaca. I would also provide each male teenager with a condom and a free pass to the Gloryhole Theme Park. This park would also be funded with government money borrowed from those friendly Chinese folks. Oh by the way, prostitution would not only be legal, but encouraged. I would allow young women to work as prostitutes as part of my "community service for college tuition and loans" proposal. They can earn money towards their collegiate degrees by working as prostitutes at the Gloryhole Theme Park, or other fine establishments. What teenage girls will get, look below.
2. The Ovarian Mulligan Law: Each woman and teenage girl would be given a card that would entitle them to a free abortion. If they do not wish to use it, then they can sell it on eBay if they have Paypal. They could sell it anywhere. Any woman can have as many cards as she can afford. If she kills a woman to obtain her card, that will be okay because she will fall under the "after term abortion" law that I will propose to make legal murders with special circumstances. Just murdering someone will not fall under this. They can be prosecuted. If someone murders another for a reason, as in trying to take something from that person, then that would fall under this law. It won't matter how old the murder victim is. This program will be paid for by church donations mandatorily given by only Christian churches. All OBGYN's must perform abortions, no matter their beliefs. If any quit their job or refuse to perform an abortion, they will be shot in the public square of their respective town or city. I will not tolerate dissidents.
3. The Code Pink Law: I would allow members of Code Pink to not only harass members of the military, but also use terrorist methods upon them. This would be allowed until I have abolished the US military. I won't do it rashly. There would be a responsible transition from a country with a strong military, to a country with no military. If this isn't done responsibly, it could invite a coup or attack from a foreign country. Under this law also I would drop millions of roses upon those we consider to be our enemies along with a note of apology from each and every individual from the United States. Those who do not wish to participate will be put in Guantanamo. It will be reopened for those who hold traditional and Christian values and speak on them.
4. Assassinate Smokey The Bear: By this time, the talk of global warming will turn to the talk of ice age. Scientists will say that the ice age is a threat to the entire planet. Since I am running as a liberal candidate, I have to believe scientists no matter how ridiculous the prediction is. To combat the ice age, I will order the assassination of Smokey The Bear for wanting to prevent forest fires. I will order Americans to burn everything in sight. In order to save this planet from an ice age, we must encourage the burning of forests! Stupid bear. Each person would get a $10,000 voucher for burning their own home. Living in large buildings with many other families will be free. A homeowner can burn their own home for $10,000 and be allowed to live freely with other families in schools and other large buildings. If a person burns a house that isn't theirs, they will receive a $20,000 voucher. As the last act of our military might, I will bomb the daylights out of Israel. Not just because liberals hate Israel, but it would go a long way towards warming our planet, thus saving us from the ice age.
5. The MSM Bailout Plan: Because I want the MSM behind me, I will passionately propose a bailout for their troubling industry. I will also banish Foxnews and other center-right news outlets and print media. All talk radio will be banned except for a refurbished Air America. I would employ an Air America czar to make sure they find the farthest left voices from our universities and have them work at the new Air America. I will make sure they are tenured professors because they're never at work anyway.
6. Chrismas: I will allow Christians their holiday, but will remove the "t" from the word turning it into Chrismas. That wasn't a typo. There will be two characters associated with the new Chrismas. Santa and Satan Claus. Satan Claus will drop Ovarian Mulligan cards from his sleigh, just in case there are women who need more.
7. Learn Sex From Porn: I will force every public and private school to provide their students a class, from first grade on up, to watch porn in order to learn about sex. The older the student, the more advanced the course. At least twice during this course workers from the Gloryhole Theme Park or a woman who has performed in an adult video will be in the class to answer questions. At the end of each year, each student will be given a tube of K-Y. Each student at graduation will receive their diploma, and a certificate in BDSM. This law goes right in hand, pun intended, with the first two proposals on my platform.
8. Find the Antichrist: I will order the CIA to have one mission. To find the Antichrist. Once we find him, I will bow to him and call on all Americans to also bow to him. After the bowing is over, I will give him our country and let him take over. This will be a great day for a future liberal Utopia and give the NWO a great kickstart. It will be beautiful.
If you wanted to know how I could out-Obama Obama, I think I just showed you. I would become a great thinker in the eyes of the MSM and Hollywood for my radical proposals. I would steal the thunder from Zeus Obama. Do you think he would try to go center of me in a primary? Of course not. Can he go left of me? We shall see. I am making my announcement at TH. I am running for President of the United States by way of the Democratic Party. There will be more to come.
PT. 2 SECOND INSTALLMENT OF JESSE NORMAN AS A LIBERAL CANDIDATE 2012
Many of you have read the first part of my presidential series of blogs titled "Jesse 'The Mind' Norman As A Liberal Candidate". To summarize, I announced my candidacy at TH to become President by way of the Democratic Party. I figure to beat Obama in a primary, I would have to out-Obama Obama. This is very difficult to do because he's so far left. He couldn't wait to sign that law that would fund abortions overseas. I detailed a few things in my platform that dealt with his stance on abortion, and his refusal to vote for the Born Alive Infant Protection Act by coming up with an "Ovarian Mulligan" law where each woman would be given a ticket to a free abortion. I would also allow people to be murdered as long as there was a reason for it and have it become like a retroactive or after-term abortion. Retroactive abortions are the wave of the future. Hop on this train. As a liberal running for POTUS, I know this better than anybody. I also am actively seeking the Antichrist in preparation for giving him our country. I am opening Gloryhole Theme Parks nationwide and having them paid for with more money borrowed from China. We can't borrow enough. I know. To many persons dismay, I also proposed to assassinate Smokey The Bear. He wants to prevent forest fires. In fear of the ice age looming, I have to do what's right to warm our planet and bust a cap in Smokey. My platform will continue below. I look forward to your comments.
9. Giving Mexico Back Their Land - Because there are so many illegal immigrants, or "borderblind buddies" as I like to call them, we might as well give them much of our southwest territory. We hurt a lot of feelings after taking that land. I must apologize and make up for what we did. Arizona, Texas, New Mexico, and southern California will be given to Mexico. If we did that, then Mexico will thrive with the opportunity of being a bigger third world country. Any white people in those areas still will either have to pack up and leave or suffer the consequences of the drug lords. Anything they do is fine by me since I love the hash. Hey, I'm a lib. Sue me. Northern California can stay in this country. As a matter of fact, I will propose to make a new White House on the corner of Haight-Ashbury, but it will no longer be white. It will be modeled after the Scooby Doo van.
10. Make Esperanto Official Language - It's either that or Klingon. Most of my supporters are Star Trek nerds, so this goes to show I am willing to fight against those in my camp. I can't imagine someone singing the Star Spangled Banner like "kerrr blar krooo arkhhhh maltz cho eechooo". Because this will be our country's first and only official language, we must all learn it. We will have to pay for all those signs to be redone and books reprinted, but that's where we turn to our neverfail China friends. Yep, that's right. We'll borrow more money. Besides we have to reprint the books anyway. As a lib, I must rewrite history some more.
11. Che Guevera Day - I will honor the left's biggest martyr, Che Guevera. Under my administration, we will continue to cover up that he was a murderous scoundrel. I think we've done a good job of that already in this country, but I will take it a step further. On Che Guevera Day, people will be allowed to burn rich people by the dozens. This would also help with our ice age problem, as my first platform post explains. We will also make room for him on Mount Rushmore, while taking away George Washington. He founded this horrible country that has brought onto this world such death and carnage. Nevermind that "deafted the Nazis" thing. As Pat Buchanan says, the Russians had them beat already. Buchanan was actually hoping for more Jews to be killed, but that's between you and me. Shhh, keep it on the downlow.
12. William Ayers, Secretary of Education - He will not only radicalize our children, but he can also teach them how to bore tunnels and construct bombs in case the next administration reverts back to its traditional ways. Ward Churchill will be the Undersecretary waiting in the wings. There will be no more grades. Grades hurt feelings. Lunches will be all made of tofurkey until an alternative to eating plants and animals is found. No milk to drink. No soda or water either. Water consumption is killing the rain forests. Plus people pee. That doesn't do our planet any good. How would you like it if someone were peeing on you? I bet some of you might like it, but Mother Earth does not. She's not into golden showers! Most classes will be reading books by or about Mao Tse Tung, Karl Marx, Adolf Hitler, Gore Vidal, and Noam Chomsky. Movies that aren't for learning about sex from porn will be provided by Michael Moore, or movies that have Alec Baldwin in them. The focus on education would be about bringing in the NWO and how people should only have the individual right to think like how the government wants them to think. That way there is no disorder and everyone can live in harmony.
13. I Must Have Stepped In Something - Because water consumption is destroying our planet, I will not shower. To deny that I smell like sh#t stuffed in a possum carcase, I will either say I stepped in something or the dog did it. I will always have a dog with me just in case someone smells something funny. As Creed says, it's my sacrifice.
14. What A View! - I will use the power of the government and MSM to make everyone accept that Joy Behar is not only not vomit-inducing, but somehow beautiful. This will really be just a test to see how powerful the mind control of my government can be. Anyone that says she isn't will be put into Guantanamo with Christians who have chosen to speak out on their views. Joy Behar will be seen as a GRILF!
15. John Loves John - Not only will I allow gay marriage, but I will force them to marry. Why not have them enjoy the vigours of a good divorce like every other American takes for granted? Be careful of what you wish for.
16. Japan Payback - Due to my overwhelming liberal guilt over the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I will let Japan choose two of our cities to hit with nuclear missiles. There will be one condition however. It must be done in a red state, preferably in the south. Japan can then make a movie called "Black Rain" also where an old American set sixty years from now can tell one of their detectives how it rained black rain after the nuclear attack. We must let them have payback upon us. Nevermind that they didn't surrender after the first bomb and that they tried to sabotage the surrender after the second one. Our history books don't have that point of view now. We will continue that trend.
17. Indian Giver - I will propose to give back all of the land we took from the Indians. Given that I will give land back to the Mexicans also, that would mean the rest of us better start swimming. I hope those that don't have boats can make it to Europe. We can have our own Trail of Tears and become shark food. Again due to my overwhelming liberal grief, this country was born upon hate. It shouldn't exist. Now vote for me.
As you can see, I am continuing my "go left of Obama" platform. I did it, albeit it was a very difficult task. That's like saying "be a bigger loser than the Cubs". It's nearly impossible. I am looking forward to your comments, but I need your support too. Money talks, people. Please send your donations to PO Box 1522 Portertucky, Indiana. Make sure you put "in care of Chauncey O'Clapsadle" on the envelope. Money coming in that isn't labeled for Chauncey will be spent by me on hash. Let's make it together. Oh, and uhhh change, hope or something.
PT. 3 THIRD INSTALLMENT: MY COMPETITION FROM THE LEFT
This is the third installment of my series of blogs where I'm running for President in 2012. I am running, as you may know, for President of the United States via the Democratic Party. Because of my prognosticative abilities, which helped me see my future interview with Al Gore, I was also able to see my competition as well as media reports surrounding the race. This is our real future ahead of us, as unbelievable as it sounds. Don't doubt me as a soothsayer. The last fool that dared question me was Steve Guttenberg. He didn't listen to me. He thought he had the world by the short 'n curlies. He didn't heed my warning. Have you heard anything about him for years? I arrest my case. I have spoken, thus it shall be done. This is about me and my competition for 2012 from the left and the media reports of it.
Foxnews: Shepard Smith- "President Obama is in a lot of trouble in staying as the nominee of his own party, not to mention new splinter parties that have broken away from the Democratic Party. He is facing three challengers from the Celebrity Party. Tim Robbins looks poised to be the Celebrity Party's nominee but Gary Coleman and Alec Baldwin are making gains. It seems the Celebrity Party doesn't care that Alec Baldwin was caught on video beating an elderly woman for having an American Flag lapel pin on her shawl. With America being in a depression for almost three years now, it doesn't look like President Obama will be able to hold onto his title. Even with Hillary Clinton deciding not to challenge him, he is losing to two unknown men named Dan Seals and very far left nut Jesse Norman in the newest Gallup tracking poll."
MSNBC: Keith Olberman- "I still have a show? You gotta be kidding me. What do I have to do to get fired? The only people that advertise on my show is from the group Clone Che Guevera Now, which I happen to be the president of. Do I have to go down to thirteen viewers instead of our nightly average of seventeen? Do I have to wear seven Obama Flag lapel pins? What? You tell me, America! Email me with your thoughts."
"Hi, I'm Dan Seals running for President of the United States. I realize you may have not heard of me, but look at me. I look exactly like Barack Obama. I can say 'change' and 'hope' too. Here's my new buddy William Ayers. I've gotten to know him just so I can become President too. I was nearly a congressman from Illinois. President Obama has sung my praises in 2008 as a chip off the old block, but what he won't tell you is that I have done even less than he has. I don't even vote at all. You know nothing about my record or where I stand. That is how you can trust me. It nearly worked in 2008. It can surely work in 2012. Know nothing about me, America. Elect me as your President. I'm Dan Seals and I approve this message."
CNN: Wolf Blitzer- "With President Obama's permission, Iran has invaded Iraq. In his face to face meeting with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President Obama said that Iran can have Iraq as long as they stop there and don't try to invade Israel. Ahmadinejad laughed and winked and had his fingers crossed as he said "okay". Iran has been attacking Iraq with bombs and funded Shiite militias since the day President Obama pulled American troops out. Instead of putting them back in, as he promised he would do during the campaign, President Obama seems to make sure he's not known as a wartime President. Will Israel be next? Ahmadinejad gave President Obama his word. That should be good enough. In my interview with frontrunner Jesse Norman, he explained to me his desire to assassinate Smokey The Bear. Given we are definitely in an ice age, as the scientists say, it sounds like a good idea. Because of his common sense approach to issues, he looks like he will become the new nominee for the DNC."
"Hi, I'm Gary Coleman. I am running to be the Celebrity Party's nominee. I ran for governor in California so you know I've got experience. I have the financial backing of Mr. Drummond, my adoptive father so you know I've got the financial means to put ads on television as much as I'd like. I will be doing a series of infomercials. Not like the ones you've seen me in before where I may have been pushing for Guido's We'll Break Your Legs Loans or Guido's Cement Shoes Fourth Floor Casino. These informercials will give you my plans for getting us out of this mess we're in. You'll be seeing more of me in the future. You don't think I can win, America? Obama became President doing less. Whatchu talkin about, America?!"
Front Page of the New York Times: "Damn, we're sorry America. I know we have been one-sided in the past and we are responsible with much of the media for making Obama President. We're sorry about that, but we are changing. We don't hate America anymore. Maureen Dowd is now running for President as the MSM Party candidate, so she's not here anymore. She is trying to live out her Citizen Kane dreams. We will start reporting honestly and without bias. We promise. To prove it, we're actually going to print stories we were sitting on about Obama before he became President hoping to not hurt his chances. That was a mistake. We're sorry America. Please subscribe to the New York Times. We finally get it after having our circulation go down to five hundred and forty-six. We get it. Welcome us back into your home, America. Be part of the new New York Times family. By the way, we endorse Jesse Norman. He's a genius and represents our values. Anyone that dares try to get in his way, we will take them down. Maybe we haven't learned our lesson afterall."
MSNBC: Keith Olbermann holding up a picture of President Obama- "I kiss your picture, lord. Master, I serve only you. You are my only lord and saviour. I will do anything you want me to do. Bid me! Command me!"
Producer- "Keith, you're on!"
Keith- "Oh! Sorry. Ahem. Let's read the emails to see what I can do to get fired. Ah, here's an email from Tom from Myspace. It says 'enjoy the new features at Myspace. Keep track of your buddies like Tom while making it easier to keep unwanted people from harassing you with our new Keith Olbermann Request Remover for a more enjoyable Myspace experience.' This can't be real, can it?"
Producer- "I'm afraid so, Keith. It seems they really take ideas from real people. I only gave them a suggestion."
Keith- "Jerkwad. Here, I know how I can get fired. I'll send Jeffrey Immelt a buddylist invitation on all his acc.."
Producer- "Immelt just called. You're fired."
"Like hi or whatever, America. As you may know I am Paris Hilton. I am running for precedence too. No one has more experience than me. Well at least off my feet. I should be good enough for you to vote for. I know I'm not old enough yet, but I promise I will send every American a smiley face when I'm precedent. What can cure all of the ills of the world better than a smile? See, I'm not as stupid as you might think. Nevermind that I have been dooped into doing five sex videos that went public in the last year One with a corpse. Another with my sister. I was used. What am I going to do? Say no? I can't say no to sex with anyone. I'm Paris Hilton dammit! The dead guy didn't ask me, but you should have seen the way he looked at me. He kept staring at me. I know he wanted it. Also just forget that I have lost seven dogs. They're like phones. You can just buy another one. I'm Paris Hilton, and I like appeal this massage."
"Hi, I'm Alec Baldwin. I'm running for President...SHUT UP! I'm doing a campaign ad you sl*t! Damn kids. Anyway, I know I will be the best President ever. Me and Michael Moore, my VP candidate will take America down. We will abolish July 4th, just like Moore wanted to do in that American Carole movie. Instead of just nearly being a socialist country, we will make it one fully. I have a ... shut the hell up you damn pig! Daughters, who needs them? I have a cool head. Don't worry about that old lady I beat the snot out of. You don't wear an American Flag lapel pin around me. That's my policy and she should have known that. She was asking for it. I am Alec Bal... you going to keep moving the camera around? Give me that damn thing! *BAM!* There, you like the camera moving now? Did it feel good having the camera smack you upside the face? Man, I should have never gotten married again."
As you can see, this is a nightmarish scenario all because we were willing to vote in a man who has not done a damn thing other than speak eloquently. Obama's election as President lowered the standards of what it would take for a candidate to win and lead the most, well used to be the most powerful country in the world. My competition certainly has their strong points. It's so hard to go left of that, but I think I did a good job. During the campaign, I will be involved in a scandal involving Paris Hilton and a camera. That should get me some support and a trip to the free clinic. What I didn't write about was the vision I saw about the election of 2016. Does President Hannah Montana put some fear into you?
PT. 4 KEITH OLBERMANN INTERVIEWS ME DURING 2012 CAMPAIGN
Keith Olbermann - "I still cannot believe I have a show. It's incredulous that anyone can stand listening to me. I mean my mom committed suicide during one of my shows. Her suicide note read 'I should have used protection. It's just that you don't know when exactly the milkman is going to come. What unspeakable evil have I brought onto this world through my womb? Nobody knows my guilt, pain, and sorrow. Since I have unleashed this plague upon the Earth, I have no other choice but to take my own life. Keith, I hate you son.' Anyways, since I still do have a show, the show must go on. Today, I am interviewing my first highly anticipated guest and presidential candidate, Jesse Norman. I should have at least a hundred viewers today. Mr. Norman, thanks for coming. How are you today sir?"
Jesse Norman - "I'm doing fine. Thanks for having me on your .... um show."
Olbermann - "You're welcome sir. Some Americans see your ideas as radical, but I think you are dead on with your points of view. Do you think you are being perceived correctly by the American people, or do you think they're too dumb to know what is good for them?"
Norman - "Well I wouldn't go that far saying that they are too dumb. They're just simply uneducated. At least those from the middle and to the right."
Olbermann - "What kind of job do you think President Obama has done?"
Norman - "I know you're not going to like this but I think he's done a terrible job."
Olbermann - "Damn you! Sorry, go ahead."
Norman - "Indeed. He hardly ever made real decisions as President. He's trying to have it both ways like he did during the general election. He's acting like he's still running for President. Pick a side, Mr. President."
Olbermann - "Yeah, I see your point. I have been disappointed with him too in a way. In order to look unbiased, I have to say that I'm not endorsing you. If I wasn't a make believe talk show host on a Pravdaesque channel, then I'd be telling everyone to vote for you. As you can see, I took down all of my Obama memorabilia and put up your pictures."
Norman - "Well thanks. I would have noticed if I watched your show."
Olberman - "That's okay. No one does. I loved your idea of assassinating Smokey The Bear. I'm with you about this ice age. We have to take steps against those that do not accept we are in an ice age. Smokey's time has come. It's over for Smokey. We do need to burn forests in order to warm our planet. That's why I want you to look at the monitor."
Smokey is tied to a chair and gagged while anarchists are pushing bamboo strips under his claw nails.
Olbermann - "I'm doing my part to save global cooling. When you're elected, you can have him Mr. Norman."
Norman - "Eeesh. That's good I guess."
Olbermann - "Damn, you are handsome. I really am enthused at your idea for the Gloryhole Theme Park. I have been wanting one of those for years. I love going to park bathrooms and using the gloryholes. I always make sure I bring some binaca with me. Where did you come up with this idea?"
Norman - "I was playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas and they had a commercial for it, so I thought 'why not a real one'. I have to give them credit. Binaca? So you go there to.."
Olbermann - "Next question. You have such great icy blue eyes. Are those contacts?"
Norman - "No, they're mine."
Olbermann - "Wow. They look fake."
Norman - "No, they're real and they're spectacular. I get that all the time."
Olbermann - "The Antichrist. You said you were going to give him our country. Do you really want former President Bush to have a third term?"
Norman - "Bush, the Antichrist? He's not the Antichrist."
Olbermann - "It must be Cheney then."
Norman - "No, it's not him either."
Olbermann - "Then he must not exist. I really loved your idea of making William Ayers the Secretary of Education. That's where Obama started his downward slide. When you have such a great thinker as Ayers in your circle, you have to take advantage of that. Your idea of giving land back to Mexico so they can become a bigger third world country is incredible. Do you think those against it are either people who want America to stay intact or are racists who only wish that white people were in this country?"
Norman - "Do you always answer your own questions?"
Olbermann - "Yes."
Norman - "Oh, I didn't know that. Do you want me to answer?"
Olbermann - "It's not necessary. You're great, so I don't want you to work too hard in thinking. Tell me, would you mind if I started a religion named after you?"
Norman - "Look, this is all a scam you idiot! I'm not a liberal. What the hell are you people doing? I keep seeing people with picket signs in major cities saying "I'm Down For Gloryhole", and "Kill That Damn Bear". Look at that poor bear being tortured. Let him go you sick son of a bit*h! What is wrong with you? We're not in an ice age. We're not going to freeze to death. Man wasn't causing the global warming before this. We weren't in an ice age before man was supposedly warming the planet. Aie aie aie! How about living and learning from your mistakes? Damn! I'm not for giving land back to anyone. This is our country. The best country on Earth. I just wanted to take some issues you nutty liberals are champions for and took it a step further. Maybe it was a giant step. Maybe it was a tiny step. Sadly I'm thinking now it was a very tiny step. I'm exposing your delusional ideas to the American people. I hope most of them wake up and realize that they have a brain in their skulls. I'm not for killing a damn bear. I'm not for putting up Gloryhole Theme Parks all over the country. By the way, you have something on your chin. The liberals have ruined this country. We were doing fine for more than two hundred years until the hippies turned this country into one big Easy Rider movie. I'm not running for the Democratic Party. I'm running for the Republican Party as a conservative. Remember that republicans? Conservatism? Well I'm bringing back conservatism to the Republican Party. I want to change things. Hope! Change! See I can do that too. Now if you'll excuse me, just being in this building is making me realize I need a shower. No, you can't dry me off."
Olbermann - "I was going to make Jesus today's Worst Person of the Day, but now you are it Mister!"
Be sure to stay tuned for the next installment of my Presidential campaign blogs. Again I am asking for money to make a run for President in 2012 via the Republican Party. Donations sent through the postal service should be labeled "In Care Of Chauncey O'Clapsadle". If you don't know who Chauncey O'Clapsadle is, he was the guy behind Gary Coleman in that "Guido's Cement Shoes Fourth Floor Casino" commercial. He's big. So unless you want him paying you a visit, you best be ponying up some cash!